The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
