still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
