We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
