I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
