i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
