I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
