You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
