Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
please come you make the beer taste better
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
