i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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