Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
