cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
