Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
