Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
