i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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