He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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