I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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