How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
