I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
