i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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