if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
