Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
