Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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