You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
