glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
