How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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