Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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