So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
