I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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