i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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