Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
