my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
