i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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