she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
