Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
