I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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