If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
