I met the friendliest cop last night
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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