It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
