the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
did i just pee glitter
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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