do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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