this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
