I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
