The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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