My nipple is on Facebook.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
