Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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