They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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