I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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