I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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