So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
