Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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