Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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